Most of which is no problem.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Most of which is no problem.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Of course I didn't know. How could I?
Did you know that 47 countries have reestablished their embassies in Iraq?
Did you know that the Iraqi government currently employs 1.2 million Iraqi
Did you know that 3100 schools have been renovated, 364 schools are under
rehabilitation, 263 schools are now under construction and 38 new schools
been built in Iraq?
Did you know that Iraq's higher educational str ucture consists of 20
Universities, 46 Institutes or colleges and 4 research centers, all
Did you know that 25 Iraq students departed for the United States in January
2005 for the reestablished Fulbright program?
Did you know that the Iraqi Navy is operational? They have 5- 100-foot
patrol craft, 34 smaller vessels and a naval infantry regiment.
Did you know that Iraq's Air Force consists of three operational squadrons,
which includes 9 reconnaissance and 3 US C-130 transport aircraft (under
Iraqi operational control) which operate day and night, and will soon add 16
UH-1 helicopters and 4 Bell Jet Rangers?
Did you know that Iraq has a counter-terrorist unit and a Commando
Did you know that the Iraqi Police Service has over 55,000 fully trained and
equipped police officers?
Did you know that there are 5 Police Academies in Iraq that produce over
3500 new officers each 8 weeks?
Did you know there are more than 1100 building projects going on in Iraq?
They include 364 schools, 67 public clinics, 15 hospitals, 83 railroad
stations, 22 oil facilities, 93 water facilities and 69 electrical
Did you know that 96% of Iraqi children under the age of 5 have received the
first 2 series of polio vaccinations?
Did you know that 4.3 million Iraqi children were enrolled in primary school
by mid October?
Did you know that there are 1,192,000 cell phone subscribers in Iraq and
phone use has gone up 158%?
Did you know that Iraq has an independent media that consists of 75 radio
stations, 180 newspapers and 10 television stations?
Did you know that the Baghdad Stock Exchange opened in June of 2004?
Did you know that 2 candidates in the Iraqi presidential election had a
televised debate recently?
OF COURSE WE DIDN'T KNOW!
WHY DIDN'T WE KNOW? OUR MEDIA WOULDN'T TELL US!
Instead of reflecting our love for our country, we get photos of flag
burning incidents at Abu Ghraib and people throwing snowballs at the
The lack of accentuating the positive in Iraq serves two purposes. It is
intended to undermine the world's perception of the United States thus
minimizing consequent support, and it is intended to discourage American
---- Above facts are verifiable on the Department of Defense web site.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
By Debbie Daniel
I'm on a "Merry Christmas" mission and I'm in full throttle. My little yellow VW Beetle has turned into a Christmas billboard with Merry Christmas written across the back window. Yes, I've decided to trek off to work everyday on the public highways with a message that seems to offend people.
At stop lights, I even turn my music up a little louder, and to top it off, I sing along with it. Don't I know that stopping at a red light to roll my windows down only to share the joy of Christmas carols on public streets is a No-No? Don't I fear the Christmas Gestapo and those who would have me remove the written message from my car?
I'm sorry folks, but the only person I'm concerned about "offending" during this Christmas season is the Lord himself. LEAVE THAT MANGER ALONE! We've allowed the Baby Jesus to be kicked out of His lowly manger, and those offended by Christmas are still not happy.
I refuse to let this happen. I'm going to do my part to make sure "Merry Christmas" doesn't become extinct. Because like it or not, if the believers in Christmas don't take a stand now, it's gone forever.
Listen folks, the Christian community has been underestimated before; we will have to show ourselves again.
I walked into a Wendy's Restaurant the other day and was rather exuberant with my "Merry Christmas" greeting to the manager. He didn't have much of a response and I said, "Where's your Christmas spirit?" He said, "We're not allowed to use the words "Merry Christmas" when greeting customers. We can only say "Happy Holiday."
This morning I grabbed a quick breakfast at a Whataburger Restaurant. I noticed there wasn't a single decoration in the store. I asked the manager why they weren't decorated for Christmas. He told me the corporate headquarters decided not to send any decorations to any of their stores, and he didn't know why.
After I heard about all the Macy's and Federated Stores taking down their Merry Christmas signs, the Target stores not allowing the Salvation Army to "Ring the Christmas bells," and the many incidents of children, choirs, and bands not allowed to play or sing Christmas carols, I realized it was happening right here in my own little Texas town.
How can this be? Not Texas!
We do, however, have a store, Hobby Lobby, that plays nothing but Christmas carols during the season. On Christmas Day they run a full page ad in our local newspaper. That ad is not to promote the store, but uses the entire page to tell the story of Jesus' birth. Now that's taking a stand. We need to thank them.
When I saw a news report the other evening of children being taught new words to a song we've sung for years - "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" - I was saddened to hear "We Wish You a Splendid Holiday."
I know now that it's just a matter of time that the "Merry Christmas" greetings will be gone. Look around your town. Notice the "Holiday" greetings and not "Christmas." It's happening right before our very eyes.
Start singing the songs; go down the streets of America singing to your heart's content. Get some of those wash-off markers that these kids use to write on their car windows when they're rooting for their hometown football team. It's easy to do, and if a torrential rain washes it off, write it on there again.
We've got to get this message out. "Go Tell It On the Mountain . . that Jesus Christ is Born." Sing it, speak it, be a billboard for our Lord.
The story of this "Baby Jesus" alone has brought about more goodwill at this time of year than any other day we celebrate. How can we sit back and allow Him to be snuffed out of our lives?
Is it Jesus, or is it His followers that the "offended" don't like? What kind of revulsion galvanizes one to campaign so vehemently against the mere mention of His name, the mere singing of a carol, or the mere visual of a sign that says "Merry Christmas?"
I can listen to my own boss at work use some of the vilest words and follow up with, "Excuse my French." I may cringe inside at his damning of God's name, but I tolerate it. So if you don't like me wishing you a "Merry Christmas," I'll say, "Excuse my joy." You may cringe that I celebrate the birth of Jesus, but just tolerate it.
I cannot be concerned that "Merry Christmas" offends you. If I'm not careful, the day will come when saying I'm a Christian will offend you.
I'm offended that you're offended. How about that?
When we get to a point that we can no longer take part in a tradition we hold dear, we have no choice; we either defend that tradition or we give it up to those who say NO. That's it . period. So, which will it be?
I'm not giving up my "Merry Christmas" joy to anyone. If I know of someone that celebrates another holiday during this time of year, I will be glad to wish them whatever holiday they want. Just tell me what it is and I'll shout it to the world and wish you a grand celebration.
Just give me Christmas. To you merchants: Stop being so hypocritical and "filling your tills" on the back of Jesus! Who do you think is the symbol of giving at this time of year? It was the wise men bringing gifts to the newborn Christ-child.
You want your coffers full, but have ordered your employees to take down all the Merry Christmas signs. If that's the case, I'll buy gifts at a place that understands my joy.
If you're worried about offending someone, you just did. The most recent Newsweek survey shows that 82% of Americans believe that Jesus is the Son of God. So, in trying not to offend a few, you've offended many.
It's okay to jump into the "Merry Christmas" spirit when it fills your cash register, but let's call it something else . . . and don't stop giving . . . and don't stop buying. . . we'll just change the name and you'll never know the difference.
I know the difference and I'm feeling it greatly. It's hard not to be aware that townships across our country have actually banned the singing of Christmas carols because it might offend someone. And it's not just the religious songs; it's the secular ones too. No more "Jingle Bells" or "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" because they're associated with Christmas. Boy, aren't we getting sensitive?
If we're not celebrating Christmas for the hope it gives with the birth of our Savior . . there is no hope!
I noticed a few years ago that we changed the name of Abraham Lincoln's and George Washington's birthday so as to be all inclusive regarding the Presidents. Hark, if we should recognize anyone as exceptional. Now it's called Presidents' Day.
Well, if we're going to be so all inclusive, next month I'll have to refer to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as Civil Rights Leaders' Day. We don't want to exclude great Americans like Rosa Parks or Cesar Chavez, do we? And to think that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton might be left out.
We might need to change Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Grandparents' Day to All Parents' Day. Just lump them all together.
It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? So what's the difference?
My freedom to celebrate Christmas in the tradition of the Christian religion is as much my right as it is your right to be offended by it. So what are we going to do? Did anyone hear me . . . what are we going to do?
Do we defend a person's right to go forward with a time tested tradition (how about 2000 years?), or do we defend a person's right to end it all because they're offended? As long as we live in this great land and have the freedom to express ourselves and what we believe in, we will always offend someone.
If we try to make everything right for everyone, we won't have anything for anyone.
May you always have Christmas in your heart!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~
What Debbie Daniel started, let's not let it die here. Let's all do our part.Let's do something ourselves, and then too, let's pass this on to every Christian we know and if enough of us shout it out, maybe someone, somewhere, will hear us and stop this insanity of Atheism from gripping our Country.
Merry CHRISTmas to all!!
(and don't forget to pass it on)
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
This is a Christmas tree.
It is not a Hanukkah bush, it is not an Allah plant,it is not a Holiday hedge.
It is a Christmas tree.
Say it... CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas Yes.
CHRISTmas - celebrating the Birth of Jesus Christ!!!
If this offends you...too bad.
Get over it ~
Take a stand and copy pass this on !!
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me.â€¦
your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
Ageing: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've travelled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about ageing
is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
Old age is when former classmates are so grey
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf
A WELL PLANNED LIFE????
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
On asked the other, "You were always so organized in school,
Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
'Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked,
"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Things To Do At Christmas
1. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing
a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.
2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of
the neighbor's nativity scene.
3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer
jerky and Easter Bunny filets.
4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick.
Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you
no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless bastards
for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.
5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand
on the corner saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" as women walk by.
6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that
they've been naughty and won't be getting any presents this
7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive
8. Buy a package of Keebler's E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and
hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the
9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny
reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the
street muttering, "Oh, the humanity".
10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and
ask everyone if they'd like to see some naked pictures of
Santa with the Boss's wife.
11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman
12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children
they'll get what you give 'em and that's that!
13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you
are sick of the milk and cookies crap and you'd prefer a beer
and a hot blonde instead.
14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs.
15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.
16. Post a sign in front yard that says Carolers Welcome. Then
when they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.
17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbor's lights so they
no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas.
18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using you neighbor's
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an
unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this." was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then
Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as
quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she
was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the
lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared
his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life)
Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. It looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its sell-by date.
8. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
*New Rule: *Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
*New Rule: *Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
*New Rule: *Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
*New Rule: *There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
*New Rule: *The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*New Rule: *Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.
It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
*New Rule: *Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
*New Rule: *If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
*New Rule: *No more gift registries.
You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
*New Rule, and this one is long overdue: *No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
*New Rule: *When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months". "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. (a good one for us grands to remember, too!)
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of water.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast).We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
14. We don't do "hurry up" well.
15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 65 goes two ways - Interstate 20 goes the other two. Pick one.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I- 20 west.
19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.
25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there? And no, down here, we don't have an accent, you do.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Interesting Thought for the day:
If you consider that there have been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq
theater of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths,
that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000.
The rate in Washington D.C. (among others) is 80.6 per 100,000. That means that
you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol,
which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in
Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington D.C.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Kinda naughty in sport but pretty funny. ???
>Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
>A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
>Q. What's a mixed feeling?
>A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
>Q. What's the height of conceit?
>A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
>Q. What's the definition of macho?
>A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
>Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
>A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
>Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
>A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
>Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
>A Because it's worth it.
>Q. What is a Yankee?
>A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
>Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
>A. They both like a tight seal.
>Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
>A. Their balls are just for decoration
>Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and
>A. About three inches.
>Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
>A. For traction in the mud.
>Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
>A. The grip.
>Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
>A. It's not hard.
>Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
>A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
>Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
>A: 45 pounds.
>Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
>A: 45 minutes.
>Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
>A: Breasts don't have eyes.
>Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
>A. The swallow.
>Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
>A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
>Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
>A. They don't have balls to scratch
Friday, November 18, 2005
Don't close your blinds . . . .
The other day, my nine year old son wanted to know why we were at war...My husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our Country again today. I knew that my husband would give him a good explanation. My husband thought for a few minutes and then told my son to go stand in our front living room window
He said "Son, stand there and tell me what you see?"
"I see trees and cars and our neighbor's houses." he replied.
"OK, now I want you to pretend that our house and our yard is the United States of America and you are President Bush."
Our son giggled and said "OK."
"Now son, I want you to look out the window and pretend that every house and yard on this block is a different country" my husband said.
"OK Dad, I'm pretending."
"Now I want you to stand there and look out the window and pretend you see Saddam coming out of his house with his wife, he has her by the hair and is hitting her. You see her bleeding and crying. He hits her in the face, he throws her on the ground, then he starts to kick her to death. Their children run out and are afraid to stop him, they are screaming and crying, they are watching this but do nothing because they are kids and they are afraid of their father. You see all of this, son....what do you do?"
"What do you do son?"
"I'd call the police, Dad."
"OK. Pretend that the police are the United Nations. They take your call. They listen to what you know and saw but they refuse to help. What do you do then son?"
"Dad.......... but the police are supposed to help!" My son starts to whine.
"They don't want to son, because they say that it is not their place or your place to get involved and that you should stay out of it," my husband says.
"But Dad...he killed her!!" my son exclaims.
"I know he did...but the police tell you to stay out of it. Now I want you to look out that window and pretend you see our neighbor who you're pretending is Saddam turn around and do the same thing to his children."
"Daddy...he kills them?"
"Yes son, he does. What do you do?"
"Well, if the police don't want to help, I will go and ask my next door neighbor to help me stop him." our son says.
"Son, our next door neighbor sees what is happening and refuses to get involved as well. He refuses to open the door and help you stop him," my husband says.
"But Dad, I NEED help!!! I can't stop him by myself!!"
"WHAT DO YOU DO SON?" Our son starts to cry.
"OK, no one wants to help you, the man across the street saw you ask for help and saw that no one would help you stop him. He stands taller and puffs out his chest. Guess what he does next son?"
"He walks across the street to the old ladies house and breaks down her door and drags her out, steals all her stuff and sets her house on fire and then..he kills her. He turns around and sees you standing in the window and laughs at you. WHAT DO YOU DO?"
"WHAT DO YOU DO?" Our son is crying and he looks down and he whispers, "I'd close the blinds, Daddy."
My husband looks at our son with tears in his eyes and asks him. "Why?"
"Because Daddy.....the police are supposed to help people who needs them...and they won't help... You always say that neighbors are supposed to HELP neighbors, but they won't help either...they won't help me stop him...I'm afraid....I can't do it by myself Daddy.....I can't look out my window and just watch him do all these terrible things and...and.....do nothing...so....I'm just going to close the blinds.... so I can't see what he's doing........and I'm going to pretend that it is not happening."
I start to cry My husband looks at our nine year old son standing in the window, looking pitiful and ashamed at his answers to my husband's questions and he says...
"Open the blinds because that man.... he's at your front door... "WHAT DO YOU DO?"
My son looks at his father, anger and defiance in his eyes. He balls up his tiny fists and looks his father square in the eyes, without hesitation he says: "I DEFEND MY FAMILY DAD!! I'M NOT GONNA LET HIM HURT MOMMY OR MY SISTER, DAD!!! I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM, DAD, I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM!!!!!"
I see a tear roll down my husband's cheek and he grabs our son to his chest and hugs him tight, and says... "It's too late to fight him, he's too strong and he's already at YOUR front door son.....you should have stopped him BEFORE he killed his wife, and his children and the old lady across the way. You have to do what's right, even if you have to do it alone, before its too late." my husband whispers. THAT scenario I just gave you is WHY we are at war with Iraq. When good men stand by and let evil happen son, THAT is the greatest atrocities in the world won't affect him. "YOU MUST NEVER BE AFRAID TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT! EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALONE!" BE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! BE PROUD OF OUR TROOPS!! SUPPORT THEM!!! SUPPORT AMERICA SO THAT IN THE FUTURE OUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER HAVE TO CLOSE THEIR BLINDS..."
This should be printed in every newspaper and posted in every school in America. Of course that won't happen so we'll use the Internet. If your blinds are closed do nothing with this email. If they are open I do not need to tell you what to do.
GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!! Steven R Chandler, CMSgt 332 ELRS/Vehicle Management Flight Balad Air Base, Iraq
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
And for those of us who thought only our prisons were filled with the idiots . Once an American Shyster or maybe Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton gets a hold of this, God may be the only one to be able to help us.
Romanian prisoner sues God
ATHENS, October 18 (RIA Novosti) - A prisoner in a Romanian jail is suing God, Greek state television reported from Bucharest Tuesday.
"God received different material valuables from me, as well as prayers in exchange for promises of a better life. In reality, this did not happen - I found myself in the devil's hands," the plaintiff said.
The convict is serving 20 years in the west Romanian city of Timisoara. He apparently blames God for the troubles in his life and wants God brought to account for failing to fulfill the commitments He undertook and for taking bribes.
The plaintiff said that when he had been baptized in childhood, he concluded a contract with God that had legal effect - God was supposed to protect him from evil.
The plaintiff said the Romanian Orthodox Church, which, according to him, directly represents God, should compensate him for the alleged God-inflicted damage.
In line with the law, the lawsuit was submitted to court. However, as the defendant is neither an individual nor a company, and is not subject to a civil court of law's jurisdiction, the case is unlikely to be heard regardless of how justified the plaintiff's demands may be, court officials said.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
The day to salute our members of the United States Armed Forces
Both Past and Present.
A day to remember those who have given a part of themselves
to the country that they love.
To the Freedoms we so enjoy.
I am a veteran too.
I served my country for over 2 decades.
Many of my friends served with me.
Mark from Chesapeake,
Steve and Eric in Charleston,
AJ and Bret who are still serving,
Ed and Tim in Virginia Beach,
Candy, my sister
John, my father
My Grandfather, Van
and so many others
it would take pages to list them all.
We all proudly wore the uniform.
We did what we had to do.
To keep this country and her people free.
Many have died doing what we did and
today they are looking down on us and smiling.
Proud to have given what was most precious,
their lives, for they are the real heroes.
From the sands of Iwo Jime, the shores of Anzio,
Kuwait, Iraq, France, Germany, Grenada, Pearl Harbor
to New York, Washington
Our soldiers and sailors carry the flag.
Today we stand a little taller, a little prouder!
Because today is OUR Day!
If you see a veteran today,
shake his or her hand
and tell them thank you.
To all the Vet's that see this,
MY THANK YOU!
For I salute you and the service
you so proudly provided!
I am proud to have served with you!
being humble is better than bragging
music, art, and literature are the best ways to express your feelings
governments do mean things to people
men act like they care when they don't
the only person who will help you is yourself
people that look strange generally are pretty normal
people who have money generally aren't smart
men are scared of hugging when something bad happens
weird, unexplainable stuff happens to people all the time
people make up a lot of stuff that isn't true
a special place in hell is reserved for fundamentalists
the devil is actually not a real person
animals have intelligence
a lot of people die who take good care of themselves
a lot of people live who take bad care of themselves
drinking alcohol makes you feel good, but not always
being paranoid does not mean that you are delusional
saying you're going to do something, or writing it down dosn't help you achieve it
you can't help people who are depressed, they can only help themselves
belief in a supernatural force has more to do with ones own experiences rather than anything
written in any book
everyone has "weird" dreams
a lot of people do stuff they don't want to
a lot of your beliefs are made up rationalisations you have created in order to continue on with your life in a way that is easier for you
people can love each other without speaking
women do tend to actually like flowers
a lot of people want to leave where they are living
music that is more aggressive is more true
most people don't agree with each other
if you are weak, you will be made fun of
most nerds don't end up being bill gates
breaking stuff feels good
fixing stuff feels good
work is not a necessary part of your personal psychology
the world is cruel, and dosn't care if you die
Nature has no regard if you are good or bad, rich or poor, young or old, she'll kill you anyway
watching tv makes you forget what time it is
being nice to animals is a good thing
the world is run by a handful of elites that do not have your best interests anywhere near their frame of thought
people who believe in religions generally aren't that bad
I don't know what the fuck I m talking about
you don't know what the fuck you re talking about
your dialogues in your head were placed there by forces outside of your control
people who think too much generally don't have as much fun
people who have too much fun generally don't think enough
a lot of people are lonely even though they are always around people
art is a silent connection that can transcend speech and language
everyone wants to fuck each other, even if they are in a relationship
a lot of people have weird fetishes they never talk about in public
men don't care about emotional connections as much as women
men tend to overblow situations because of their own insecurities
cavemen didn't ride or kill dinosaurs
a lot of information is being withheld from the public
aliens probably do exist, but are "really" far away
space is cold
objects that represent someone's pursuit for truth are generally pretty cool
not everything on tv is a lie, that's the scary part
people generally don't like a lot of things about themselves
people who work harder than you generally achieve the things that you want to
professional wrestling isn't totally fake, it's just really gay because its like a male ballet performance
children have a better ability to feel than most adults
a lot of famous people will be nobodies soon
I tend to agree more with people who have used drugs
people who eat meat have generally never killed an animal or seen it slaughtered
people who eat only vegetables are generally kind of annoying
people who are overachievers generally don't know what they are trying to achieve
fast cars are more fun to drive than slow cars
people romanticize their childhoods
people romanticize their futures
everyone thinks moving somewhere will solve their problems
It is hard to generalize an entire country into any stereotype
A lot of people think the world is coming to an end soon
President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France out of the fire again. Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers Mr. Bush doubts France's ability to hold off the little piss-ants. "If the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day now", said Bush.
Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 marines to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one marine to volunteer to help the ungrateful French out for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few women marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave.
President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our marines out of there as soon as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them. The less they stand out the better.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
A MESSAGE FROM AN APPALLED OBSERVER:
Today I went to visit the new World War II Memorial in Washington, DC. I got an unexpected history lesson. Because I'm a baby boomer, I was one of the youngest in the crowd. Most were the age of my parents, veterans of "the greatest war," with their families. It was a beautiful day, and people were smiling and happy to be there. Hundreds of us milled around the memorial, reading the inspiring words of Eisenhower and Truman that are engraved there.
On the Pacific side of the memorial, a group of us gathered to read the words President Roosevelt used to announce the attack on Pearl Harbor:
"Yesterday, December 7, 1941-- a date which will live in infamy--the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked. "
One elderly woman read the words aloud:
"With confidence in our armed forces, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph. "
But as she read, she was suddenly turned angry "Wait a minute," she said, "they left out the end of the quote. They left out the most important part. Roosevelt ended the message with "so help us God.'"
Her husband said, "You are probably right. We're not supposed to say things like that now."
"I know I'm right," she insisted. "I remember the speech" The two looked dismayed, shook their heads sadly and walked away.
Listening to their conversation, I thought to myself, "Well, it has been over 50 years. She's probably forgotten."
But she had not forgotten. She was right.
I went home and pulled out the book my book club is reading --- "Flags of Our Fathers" by James Bradley. It's all about the battle at Iwo Jima I haven't gotten too far in the book. It's tough to read because it's a graphic description of the WWII battles in the Pacific.
But right there it was on page 58. Roosevelt's speech to the nation ends in "so help us God."
The people who edited out that part of the speech when they engraved it on the memorial could have fooled me. I was born after the war. But they couldn't fool the people who were there. Roosevelt's words are engraved on their hearts.
Now I ask: "WHO GAVE THEM THE RIGHT TO CHANGE THE WORDS OF HISTORY?"
Send this around to your friends. People need to know before everyone forgets. People today are trying to change the history of America by leaving God out of it, but the truth is, God has been a part of this nation, since the beginning. He still wants to be...and He always will be!
If you agree, pass this on. If not, MAY GOD BLESS YOU
From: Candy Universe
Note to self: Carefully read domain names for alternative meanings before buying, so I don't end up doing what these folks did:
Who Represents? - http://www.whorepresents.com/
Experts Exchange - http://www.expertsexchange.com/
Pen Island - http://www.penisland.net/
Therapist Finder - http://www.therapistfinder.com/
Mole Station Nursery - http://www.molestationnursery.com/
Power-Gen Italia - http://www.powergenitalia.com/
Friday, October 28, 2005
by Roy Popkin
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside. "Your son is
here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several
times before the patient's eyes opened. Heavily sedated because of the
pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine
standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand.
The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones,
squeezing a message of love and encouragement. The nurse brought a chair
so that the Marine could sit beside the bed.
All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted
ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and
Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest
awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine
was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the
clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members
exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients. Now
and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said
nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.
Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now
lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she
did what she had to do, he waited. Finally, she returned. She started
to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her. "Who was
that man?" he asked.
The nurse was startled, "He was your father" she answered.
"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed
his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too
sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed
me. I stayed."
The next time someone needs you...be there. Stay. You'll be glad you
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Thursday, October 27, 2005
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a quarter was a decent allowance?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had
their hair done every day and wore high heels?
You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air?
Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner
at a real restaurant with your parents?
They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . .
When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise,
peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were
Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like,
Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals
because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once,
you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace,
and share it with the children of today?
compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because
Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy
Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops,
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember
How many of these do you remember?
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Newsreels before the movie P.F. Fliers
Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Raymond 4-601).
45 RPM records
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Beanie and Cecil
Cork pop guns
The Fuller Brush Man
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
The Fort Apache Play Set
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent packs of baseball cards -
with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
35 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
A foot of snow was a dream come true?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from
their "grown-up" life . . .I