Top Ten Comebacks for Well-Meaning but Obnoxious Relatives

We're all cringing about the combination of food and older relatives who feel somehow invested in your size (be it a size 4 or a size 24) while you're just trying to get your groove going with the giblet gravy. Here's a top ten list of responses in case someone dares to prod you about your weight.

1. Oooh, do you really think you need another biscuit? "I don't need it. I WANT it."
2. Do you know how many calories that has? "Yes, and I'm looking forward to every one of them."
3. I'm having a fat day. "Me too, isn't it awesome?"
4. You have such a pretty face. "You should see my pretty ass!"
5. You're too fat! "For what?"
6. You look like you've lost weight. "I've actually gained 150 pounds, but I wear it really well."
7. You've gained weight since (whenever)? "Yes! Jealous?"
8. When are you going to lose some weight? "Why do you need to know?"
9. Response to someone talking about you behind your back: "I'm sorry, you might want to keep it down. I wouldn't want anyone else to hear what an asshole you are!"
10. And the all-purpose response for every rude question ever: "I beg your pardon?" (If they are dense and repeat the question, repeat yours. If they simply say it louder, ignore them for they will die clueless and unhappy and you will go on being awesome.)

Right on brother

Sent to me by the most unlikely of people, but how true it is....

                     Proud To Be White

                     Someone finally said it.
                     How many are actually paying
                     attention to this?
                    There are African Americans,
                     Mexican Americans,
                     Asian Americans,
                     Arab Americans,
                     Native Americans, etc.
                     ...And then there are just -
                     Americans.
                     You pass me on the street
                     and sneer in my direction.
                     You Call me 'White boy,'
                     'Cracker,' 'Honkey,'
                     'Whitey,' 'Caveman,'
                     ... And that's OK.
                     But when I call you Nigger,
                     Kike, Towel head,
                     Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey,
                     Beaner, Gook, or Chink
                     ... You call me a racist.
                     You say that whites commit a lot
                     of violence against you,
                     so why are the ghettos the most
                     dangerous places to live?
                     You have the United Negro College Fund.
                     You have Martin Luther King Day.
                     You have Black History Month.
                     You have Cesar Chavez Day.
                      You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
                      You Have Yom Hashoah.
                      You have the NAACP.
                     And you have BET.
                     If we had WET
                     (White Entertainment Television)
                     ... We'd be racists.
                     If we had a White Pride Day
                     ... You would call us racists.
                     If we had White History Month
                     ... We'd be racists.
                     If we had any organization for only whites
                     to 'advance' OUR lives .
                     ... We'd be racists.
                     We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce,
                     a Black Chamber of Commerce,
                     and then we just have the plain
                     Chamber of Commerce.
                     Wonder who pays for that?
                     If we had a college fund that only gave
                     white students scholarships
                     ... You know we'd be racists.
                     There are over 60 openly-proclaimed
                     Black-only Colleges in the US ,
                      yet if there were 'White-only Colleges'
                     ... THAT would be a racist college.
                     In the Million Man March,
                     you believed that you were
                     marching for your race and rights.
                     If we marched for our race and rights,
                     ... You would call us racists.
                     You are proud to be black,
                     brown, yellow and orange,
                     and you're not afraid to announce it.

                     But when we announce our white pride

                     ... You call us racists.
                     You rob us,
                     carjack us,
                     and shoot at us.
                     But, when a white police officer
                     shoots a black gang member
                     or beats up a black drug-dealer
                     who is running from the LAW and
                     posing a threat to ALL of society
                     ... You call him a racist.
                     I am proud.
                     ... But, you call me a racist.
                     Why is it that only whites can be racists?
                     There is nothing improper about this e-mail.
                     Let's see which of you
                     are proud enough to send it on.

 

Copy this post and send it on if you are proud enough....

Jay Leno Makes a Point..Imagine That!

Please READ…This makes a lot of GOOD common sense (which most people do not have).

Very interesting perspective by Jay Leno ...

I hope you will all read to the end. Jay Leno puts it into perspective and makes us think about the pathetic negativity. That's right, Jay Leno !

Jay Leno wrote this; it's the Jay Leno we don't often see....

"The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source, right?

The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.

So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What are we so unhappy about?''
Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?

Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?

Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?

Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state?

Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?

I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough.

Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.

Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs , a burglar or prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.

This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?

Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.

Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the President who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The President who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?

The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?

Think about it...are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.

Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.

They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds, it leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about "how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way"...Insane!

Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.

We are among the most blessed people on Earth, and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

Jay Leno
2007

joke of the day

Mexican Joke

Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast Highway on a
motorcycle. They break down and start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask
him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the truck as he is
carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit
in the back with their bike will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the
back of the truck so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his
way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The
good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies
jokingly-- "Mexican eggs".

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a
look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He
gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as
possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so
many officers.

"I've got a truck with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it - 2 have hatched
and the bastards have managed to steal a motorcycle already.