Friday, December 30, 2005

2005 in Review

2005 in Review
 
Well it's been a hell of a year.
Started the year out in Virginia Beach, VA
Ended in Panama City Beach, FL
 
January presented its own new finds.
Lots of snow, ice, and of course the Christmas bills.
 
February was just the opposite.
Some really good things and some really shitty ones.
The better half got her first trip to Hawaii,
plus got to see my grandson born.
I got my other daughter's issue.
Got to spend some quality time with my sister for a week,
shitty circumstances but what the hell.
It was good for both of us.
 
March, well it just sucked.
Got layed off of a really good job due to contracts,
but at least at the end got called back for a job elsewhere.
 
April found me moving to Florida. Home.
Sucked having to leave the better half and munchkins in VA for a while,
but we survived it.
New job, different people.
Could have been worse, at least I had a job again.
Oldest moved back to Florida with the grandson
 
May found me missing my munchkins playing ball.
That just really sucked.
 
June, more ball missed, but at least I got to see a couple of games
 
July found me looking for a house and school for my munchkins.
Munchkins arrived from VA to start school.
 
August started school, football games and packing for her.
Surprised the munchkin for the birthday, tickets to a football game,
Mom showing up without him knowing.
Great time at the oldest's house with her and her other half and my grandson.
 
September found the better half finally moving to Florida.
Still hadn't found a house yet.
2 adults, 2 teens and 2 dogs in an efficiency apt.
Talk about cramped. Had to go outside to change my mind.
Munchkin 1 playing football. Yea buddy...
 
October finally found us moving into the house.
Movers broke allot of shit.
Most of which is no problem.
Some just flat pissed me off.
Careless fucks....
 
November was pretty uneventful.
School football ending... Crap.
More games please.. I want to watch my kid play!!!1
 
December..
Christmas coming.
Family all coming to my house..
6 adults, 5 kids, 2 dogs, lots of good food,
Christmas tree for the grand kids to destroy.
Yea Buddy!!
But the kids surprised me...
No tree falling. Only a couple of the balls down,
played with them the whole time they were there.
Kids were happy, all of them.
We just smiled and enjoyed having them all at home.
Only ones missing were my sister and nephew.
Wish they could have come...
but hey there is next year.
 
Next Year....
2006.
What will it bring us?
 
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!
 

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Of Course I Didn't Know

    Of course I didn't know. How could I?

 Did you know that 47 countries have reestablished their embassies in Iraq?

 Did you know that the Iraqi government currently employs 1.2 million Iraqi
 people?


 Did you know that 3100 schools have been renovated, 364 schools are under
 rehabilitation, 263 schools are now under construction and 38 new schools
 have
 been built in Iraq?

 Did you know that Iraq's higher educational str ucture consists of 20
 Universities, 46 Institutes or colleges and 4 research centers, all
 currently operating?
 Did you know that 25 Iraq students departed for the United States in January
 2005 for the reestablished Fulbright program?
 Did you know that the Iraqi Navy is operational? They have 5- 100-foot
 patrol craft, 34 smaller vessels and a naval infantry regiment.

 Did you know that Iraq's Air Force consists of three operational squadrons,
 which includes 9 reconnaissance and 3 US C-130 transport aircraft (under
 Iraqi operational control) which operate day and night, and will soon add 16
 UH-1 helicopters and 4 Bell Jet Rangers?


 Did you know that Iraq has a counter-terrorist unit and a Commando
 Battalion?

 Did you know that the Iraqi Police Service has over 55,000 fully trained and
 equipped police officers?


 Did you know that there are 5 Police Academies in Iraq that produce over
 3500 new officers each 8 weeks?


 Did you know there are more than 1100 building projects going on in Iraq?
 They include 364 schools, 67 public clinics, 15 hospitals, 83 railroad
 stations, 22 oil facilities, 93 water facilities and 69 electrical
 facilities.

 Did you know that 96% of Iraqi children under the age of 5 have received the
 first 2 series of polio vaccinations?

 Did you know that 4.3 million Iraqi children were enrolled in primary school
 by mid October?

 Did you know that there are 1,192,000 cell phone subscribers in Iraq and
 phone use has gone up 158%?

 Did you know that Iraq has an independent media that consists of 75 radio
 stations, 180 newspapers and 10 television stations?

 Did you know that the Baghdad Stock Exchange opened in June of 2004?

 Did you know that 2 candidates in the Iraqi presidential election had a
 televised debate recently?

 OF COURSE WE DIDN'T KNOW!

 WHY DIDN'T WE KNOW? OUR MEDIA WOULDN'T TELL US!

 Instead of reflecting our love for our country, we get photos of flag
 burning incidents at Abu Ghraib and people throwing snowballs at the
 presidential motorcades.

 The lack of accentuating the positive in Iraq serves two purposes. It is
 intended to undermine the world's perception of the United States thus
 minimizing consequent support, and it is intended to discourage American
 citizens.

 ---- Above facts are verifiable on the Department of Defense web site.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Merry Christmas


To All of our friends world wide,
and especially to the men and women
of the US Armed Forces stationed overseas
this season.
We want to wish all of you a safe and
Very Merry Christmas!
Peace be with all of us this season!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

WISH I'D WRITTEN THIS!!


 
    
                                             By Debbie Daniel

I'm on a "Merry Christmas" mission and I'm in full throttle. My little yellow VW Beetle has turned into a Christmas billboard with Merry Christmas written across the back window. Yes, I've decided to trek off to work everyday on the public highways with a message that seems to offend people.

At stop lights, I even turn my music up a little louder, and to top it off, I sing along with it. Don't I know that stopping at a red light to roll my windows down only to share the joy of Christmas carols on public streets is a No-No? Don't I fear the Christmas Gestapo and those who would have me remove the written message from my car?

I'm sorry folks, but the only person I'm concerned about "offending" during this Christmas season is the Lord himself. LEAVE THAT MANGER ALONE! We've allowed the Baby Jesus to be kicked out of His lowly manger, and those offended by Christmas are still not happy.

I refuse to let this happen. I'm going to do my part to make sure "Merry Christmas" doesn't become extinct. Because like it or not, if the believers in Christmas don't take a stand now, it's gone forever.

Listen folks, the Christian community has been underestimated before; we will have to show ourselves again.

I walked into a Wendy's Restaurant the other day and was rather exuberant with my "Merry Christmas" greeting to the manager. He didn't have much of a response and I said, "Where's your Christmas spirit?" He said, "We're not allowed to use the words "Merry Christmas" when greeting customers. We can only say "Happy Holiday."

This morning I grabbed a quick breakfast at a Whataburger Restaurant. I noticed there wasn't a single decoration in the store. I asked the manager why they weren't decorated for Christmas. He told me the corporate headquarters decided not to send any decorations to any of their stores, and he didn't know why.

After I heard about all the Macy's and Federated Stores taking down their Merry Christmas signs, the Target stores not allowing the Salvation Army to "Ring the Christmas bells," and the many incidents of children, choirs, and bands not allowed to play or sing Christmas carols, I realized it was happening right here in my own little Texas town.

How can this be? Not Texas!

We do, however, have a store, Hobby Lobby, that plays nothing but Christmas carols during the season. On Christmas Day they run a full page ad in our local newspaper. That ad is not to promote the store, but uses the entire page to tell the story of Jesus' birth. Now that's taking a stand. We need to thank them.

When I saw a news report the other evening of children being taught new words to a song we've sung for years - "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" - I was saddened to hear "We Wish You a Splendid Holiday."

I know now that it's just a matter of time that the "Merry Christmas" greetings will be gone. Look around your town. Notice the "Holiday" greetings and not "Christmas." It's happening right before our very eyes.

Start singing the songs; go down the streets of America singing to your heart's content. Get some of those wash-off markers that these kids use to write on their car windows when they're rooting for their hometown football team. It's easy to do, and if a torrential rain washes it off, write it on there again.

We've got to get this message out. "Go Tell It On the Mountain . . that Jesus Christ is Born." Sing it, speak it, be a billboard for our Lord.

The story of this "Baby Jesus" alone has brought about more goodwill at this time of year than any other day we celebrate. How can we sit back and allow Him to be snuffed out of our lives?

Is it Jesus, or is it His followers that the "offended" don't like? What kind of revulsion galvanizes one to campaign so vehemently against the mere mention of His name, the mere singing of a carol, or the mere visual of a sign that says "Merry Christmas?"

I can listen to my own boss at work use some of the vilest words and follow up with, "Excuse my French." I may cringe inside at his damning of God's name, but I tolerate it. So if you don't like me wishing you a "Merry Christmas," I'll say, "Excuse my joy." You may cringe that I celebrate the birth of Jesus, but just tolerate it.

I cannot be concerned that "Merry Christmas" offends you. If I'm not careful, the day will come when saying I'm a Christian will offend you.

I'm offended that you're offended. How about that?

When we get to a point that we can no longer take part in a tradition we hold dear, we have no choice; we either defend that tradition or we give it up to those who say NO. That's it . period. So, which will it be?

I'm not giving up my "Merry Christmas" joy to anyone. If I know of someone that celebrates another holiday during this time of year, I will be glad to wish them whatever holiday they want. Just tell me what it is and I'll shout it to the world and wish you a grand celebration.

Just give me Christmas. To you merchants: Stop being so hypocritical and "filling your tills" on the back of Jesus! Who do you think is the symbol of giving at this time of year? It was the wise men bringing gifts to the newborn Christ-child.

You want your coffers full, but have ordered your employees to take down all the Merry Christmas signs. If that's the case, I'll buy gifts at a place that understands my joy.

If you're worried about offending someone, you just did. The most recent Newsweek survey shows that 82% of Americans believe that Jesus is the Son of God. So, in trying not to offend a few, you've offended many.

It's okay to jump into the "Merry Christmas" spirit when it fills your cash register, but let's call it something else . . . and don't stop giving . . . and don't stop buying. . . we'll just change the name and you'll never know the difference.

I know the difference and I'm feeling it greatly. It's hard not to be aware that townships across our country have actually banned the singing of Christmas carols because it might offend someone. And it's not just the religious songs; it's the secular ones too. No more "Jingle Bells" or "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" because they're associated with Christmas. Boy, aren't we getting sensitive?

If we're not celebrating Christmas for the hope it gives with the birth of our Savior . . there is no hope!

I noticed a few years ago that we changed the name of Abraham Lincoln's and George Washington's birthday so as to be all inclusive regarding the Presidents. Hark, if we should recognize anyone as exceptional. Now it's called Presidents' Day.

Well, if we're going to be so all inclusive, next month I'll have to refer to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as Civil Rights Leaders' Day. We don't want to exclude great Americans like Rosa Parks or Cesar Chavez, do we? And to think that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton might be left out.

We might need to change Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Grandparents' Day to All Parents' Day. Just lump them all together.

It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? So what's the difference?

My freedom to celebrate Christmas in the tradition of the Christian religion is as much my right as it is your right to be offended by it. So what are we going to do? Did anyone hear me . . . what are we going to do?

Do we defend a person's right to go forward with a time tested tradition (how about 2000 years?), or do we defend a person's right to end it all because they're offended? As long as we live in this great land and have the freedom to express ourselves and what we believe in, we will always offend someone.

If we try to make everything right for everyone, we won't have anything for anyone. 

                    May you always have Christmas in your heart!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~

What Debbie Daniel started, let's not let it die here.  Let's all do our part.
Let's do something ourselves, and then too, let's pass this on to every Christian we know and if enough of us shout it out, maybe someone, somewhere, will hear us and stop this insanity of Atheism from gripping our Country.  

                        Merry CHRISTmas to all!!


        (and don't forget to pass it on)

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

IT'S A &@%#$^g CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!















This is a Christmas tree.

It is not a Hanukkah bush, it is not an Allah plant,it is not a Holiday hedge.

It is a Christmas tree.

Say it... CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas Yes.
CHRISTmas - celebrating the Birth of Jesus Christ!!!

If this offends you...too bad.
Get over it ~

Take a stand and copy pass this on !!

Icicles ????

Jokes on ageing....

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

-----------------------------------------

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,

if something happens to me.รข€¦
your mother is going to come

and live with you and your wife...."

-----------------------------------------

Ageing: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it

------------------------------------------

The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for

------------------------------------------

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've travelled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

--------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.

----------------------------------------------

I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.

----------------------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about ageing
is that it is such a nice change from being young.

--------------------------------------------

Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.

-----------------------------------------------

Old age is when former classmates are so grey
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

----------------------------------------------

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

--------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

-------------------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A WELL PLANNED LIFE????

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
On asked the other, "You were always so organized in school,
Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
'Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked,

"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Things to do at Christmas

Things To Do At Christmas


1. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing
a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.

2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of
the neighbor's nativity scene.

3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer
jerky and Easter Bunny filets.

4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick.
Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you
no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless bastards
for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.

5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand
on the corner saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" as women walk by.

6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that
they've been naughty and won't be getting any presents this
year.

7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive
poses.

8. Buy a package of Keebler's E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and
hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the
bad elves.

9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny
reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the
street muttering, "Oh, the humanity".

10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and
ask everyone if they'd like to see some naked pictures of
Santa with the Boss's wife.

11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman
urns.

12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children
they'll get what you give 'em and that's that!

13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you
are sick of the milk and cookies crap and you'd prefer a beer
and a hot blonde instead.

14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs.

15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.

16. Post a sign in front yard that says Carolers Welcome. Then
when they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.

17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbor's lights so they
no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas.

18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using you neighbor's
decorations.

The Last Moment Gift

Last Moment Gift
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an
unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.

This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?"  The young man
asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this." was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then
Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as
quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.  When the wife saw her gift she
was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!"  She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the
lighter between his legs?" The man did not know.  "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared
his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life)

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Christmas Trees Over Men

From: Candy Universe 
Christmas Trees Over Men

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?

1.  A Christmas tree is always erect.
2.  Even small ones give satisfaction.
3.  A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4.  It looks good - even with the lights on.
5.  A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6.  A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7.  You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its sell-by date.
8.  You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

More Christmas Jokes

Top 10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't

10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Input from the Candy Universe on Santa

The Candy Universe is obviously in a her BAH HUMBUG mood this week in addition to a severe male bashing kick. Obviously her bosses have done something to spin her planet.....
 
From: Candy Universe
 
I THINK SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN

    I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
     For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
     Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
     Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
      Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

  • Men can't pack a bag.
  • Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
  • Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
  • Men don't answer their mail.
  • Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
  • Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
  • Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
  • Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...

  • Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.

  • Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

  • Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.  But not St. Nick. Not a chance.  As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

  I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
 
Now I must respond... 10 reasons why this is just wrong.. 
 
 
First.. Starting from the top... I start my Christmas shopping in October......hell with 5 kids 3 grandkids and wife I have too.
 
Second.. I can get from here to there without directions. Plus how hard is it to hit every house in the world?
 
Third.. The raindeers are safe... They are older and meats tough..
 
Fourth...Some of us can pack a bag.. Every tried to get all the uniforms that the military gives you in one sea bag?
 
Fithe..  Santa's was wearing red velvet long before masculinity was a problem. He made it a fashion statement....
 
Sixth ....Santa doesn't have to answer the mail....
 
Seventh...Santa's old enough not to have to worry about that bowl full of jelly....plus he's married, it's not like he is out hitting thte bars to pick up something.
 
Eighth ... Santa's ho ho ho atracts women......Look at all the women around him in the malls.....
 
Ninth....Most men are committed to something.. Hunting, fishing, sports, cars... it veriys fby season.. Santa has only 1 thing to worry about....
 
Tenth... If Santa was a woman  the suit wouldn't fit.......
 
Happy Holidays!!
 

Some New Rules..

Real funny, some could be crude.
 
 
*New Rule: *Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!
 
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.  Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
-------
*New Rule: *Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull.
 
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
----------
*New Rule: *Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
 
I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
-----------------
*New Rule: *Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
 
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
---------------------
*New Rule: *There's no such thing as flavored water.
 
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?  Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
----------------------
*New Rule: *The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
 
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.  AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
------------------------
*New Rule: *Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.
 
It's right above the crack of your ass.  And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
-----------------------
*New Rule: *Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
---------------------
*New Rule: *If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
 
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
-------------------------------
*New Rule: *No more gift registries.
 
You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
-------------------
*New Rule, and this one is long overdue: *No more bathroom attendants.
 
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
-----------------
*New Rule: *When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
 
"27 Months". "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.  (a good one for us grands to remember, too!)
 
Thanks to Harry and Mark for this contribution. Happy Holidays!

If yor going to live or visit the South, you need to know these rules!

The rules.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast).We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well.

15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 65 goes two ways - Interstate 20 goes the other two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I- 20 west.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there? And no, down here, we don't have an accent, you do.