FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

Please enjoy and understand the following:

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE
SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,
  "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME,
  IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM
  IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF   A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK
  ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF
  "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

A Real Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will  Never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never
Thought he could do; to live without fear
And forget regret. She will enable him to
Express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,
Seductive and invincible...

No wait... Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey.
It’s whiskey that does all that stuff.
Never mind.

Pizza Mogul exploring GOP Presidential Bid. (CNN)

 

http://www.cnn.com/2011/POLITICS/01/13/herman.cain/index.html?hpt=C2

Herman Cain is a Georgia businessman who is thinking outside the box. I read the article to learn who Herman Cain was. Can’t say I know a lot now but I am intrigued by the man. But what gets me is this comment from a professor in GA about the GOP:

"It's hard to see him as a likely nominee of the Republican Party since, generally speaking, Republican nominees have come from establishment orientation," Grant said. "And even beyond that, almost all Republican nominees have significant office-holding experience before being nominated."

Well maybe if this is the truth within the GOP maybe it’s time to start thinking and working out of the box and work to elect someone who isn’t from the establishment. What do you think?

Today’s Society! WTFO!?!

 

Take a good look around you. What do you as a person see?  I see a world of billions of people who have lost their frick’n minds!! What’s next? This weekend we had a young man who has slipped into a reality well beyond our own and shot 19 people, killing 6. We have a congresswoman in a hospital bed in Tucson fighting for her life and we have people badgering her because of what she stands for.  A President who was doing his duty in speaking for these people, who actually did a good job of doing it without going all political and here we go with the comments that it was all a publicity stunt. Not what I saw. Don’t take that I am a supporter of the O’Grand Obama because I am not. Didn’t vote for him or anyone of his cronies. Don’t support their ideas either. He did what he should have done as the President, just as I have witnessed before by Presidents Clinton, Reagan and Bush just to name a few. Moving on. The Middle East is collapsing. Governments falling apart. People blowing each other up. Why? Because they  are led by people who are clueless. They think their beliefs override every one else’s.  Are you a Christian, a Muslim , an atheist, Baptist, Presbyterian, etc. you get the point. We are a world of people who need to get along with each other and worry about what this world will be like for our children. We need to stop acting like a bunch a idiots and start thinking about helping one another. We have flooding, earthquakes, tsunamis, fires, volcano’s erupting all over this world with thousands dying daily and you are worried about what religious book and figure you believe in. STUPID. I believe in GOD. Whether you call him God, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, or Jim Bob. It’s the same. Get a grip and start worrying about you fellow man and what we can do to each other survive and make a better world for our children.

Fwd: FW:

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

 

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.

 

'All the food was slow.'

 

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

 

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !

 

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

 
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

 

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :

 

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

 

In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.

 

Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

 

My parents never drove me to soccer practice.. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer... I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow)

 

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 16.

 

It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 AM. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.

 
I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'

 

When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

I never had a telephone in my room.

 

The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

 

Pizzas were not delivered to our home But milk was.

 

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers -- It cost 7 cents a paper, and they  got to keep 2 cents. They had to get up at 6 AM every morning.

 

On Saturday, they had to collect the 42 cents from their customers. Their favorite customers were the ones who gave them 50 cents and told them to keep the change. Their least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

 

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

 
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

 
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

 

MEMORIES from a friend :

 

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

 

How many do you remember?

 

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

 

Older Than Dirt Quiz :

 

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.

 

Ratings at the bottom.

 

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 

3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke  boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels... [if you were fortunate])
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H Greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

 

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

 
I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

 

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends......

Happy New Years!

 

Hope everyone has a Happy New Year and has a great 2011! May this year bring prosperity and happiness to you and yours.