Free at last, free at last!
By Tom Adkins
Editor's note: This originally appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer.
Look at my fellow conservatives! There they go, glumly shuffling
along, depressed by the election aftermath. Not me. I'm virtually
Don't get me wrong. I'm not thrilled with America's flirtation with
neo-socialism.. But there's a massive silver lining in those magical
clouds that lofted Barack Obama to the Presidency. For today, without
a shred of intellectually legitimate opposition, I can loudly proclaim
to America: The Era of White Guilt is over.
This seemingly impossible event occurred because the vast majority of
white Americans didn't give a fluff about skin color, and
enthusiastically pulled the voting lever for a black man. Not just any
black man. A very liberal black man who spent his early career
race-hustling banks, praying in a racist church for 20 years, and
actively worked with America-hating domestic terrorists. Wow! Some
resume! Yet they made Barack Obama their leader. Therefore, as of
November 4th, 2008, white guilt is dead.
For over a century, the millstone of white guilt hung around our
necks, retribution for slave-owning predecessors. In the 60s, American
liberals began yanking that millstone while sticking a fork in the eye
of black Americans, exacerbating the racial divide to extort a
socialist solution. But if a black man can become President, exactly
what significant barrier is left? The election of Barack Obama
absolutely destroys the entire validation of liberal white guilt. The
dragon is hereby slain.
So today, I'm feeling a little "uppity," if you will. From this day
forward, my tolerance level for having my skin color hustled is now
exactly ZERO. And it's time to clean house. No more Reverend Wright's
"God Damn America," Al Sharpton's Church of Perpetual Victimization,
or Jesse Jackson's rainbow racism. Cornell West? You're a fraud. Go
home. All those "black studies" programs that taught kids to hate
whitey? You must now thank Whitey. And I want that on the final.
Congressional Black Caucus? Irrelevant. Maxine Waters? Shut up. ACORN?
Outlawed. Black Panthers? Go home and pet your kitty. Black
separatists? Find another nation that offers better dreams. Go ahead.
Gangsta rappers? Start praising America. Begin with the Pledge of
Allegiance. And please, no more ebonics. Speak English, and who knows
where you might end up? Oh, yeah, pull up your pants. Your underwear
is showing. You look stupid.
Black Fraternities? Seek diversity. Race card? It's now the joker.
Miss Black America? Get in line with all the other lovely ladies.
To those Eurosnots who forged entire careers hating America? I'm still
waiting for the first black French President.
And let me offer an equal opportunity whupping. I've always despised
lazy white people. Now, I can talk smack about lazy black people.
You're poor because you quit school, did drugs, had three kids with
three different fathers, and refuse to work. So when you plop your
Colt 45-swilling, Oprah watchin' butt on the couch and complain "Da
Man is keepin' me down," allow me to inform you: Da Man is now black.
You have no excuses.
No more quotas. No more handouts. No more stealing my money because
someone's great-great-great-great grandparents suffered actual pain
and misery at the hands of people I have no relation to, and
It's time to toss that massive, obsolete race-hustle machine upon the
heap of the other stupid 60s ideas. Drag it over there, by wife
swapping, next to dope-smoking. Plenty of room right between free love
and cop-killing. Careful, don't trip on streaking. There ya go, don't
be gentle. Just dump it. Wash your hands. It's filthy.
In fact, Obama's ascension created a gargantuan irony. How can you
sell class envy and American unfairness when you and your black wife
went to Ivy League schools, got high-paying jobs, became millionaires,
bought a mansion, and got elected President? How unfair is that???
Now, Like a delicious O'Henry tale, Obama's spread-the-wealth campaign
rendered itself moot by it's own victory! America is officially a
meritocracy. Obama's election has validated American conservatism!
So, listen carefully…Wham!!!
That's the sound of my foot kicking the door shut on the era of white
guilt. The rites have been muttered, the carcass lowered, dirt
shoveled, and tombstone erected. White guilt is dead and buried.
However, despite my glee, there's apparently one small, rabid bastion
of American racism remaining. Black Americans voted 96% for Barack
Obama. Hmmm. In a color-blind world, shouldn't that be 50-50? Tonight,
every black person should ask forgiveness for their apparent racism
and prejudice towards white people. Maybe it's time to start spreading
the guilt around.
Tom Adkins is the former publisher of CommonConservative.com. He can
be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.