Top Ten Comebacks for Well-Meaning but Obnoxious Relatives

We're all cringing about the combination of food and older relatives who feel somehow invested in your size (be it a size 4 or a size 24) while you're just trying to get your groove going with the giblet gravy. Here's a top ten list of responses in case someone dares to prod you about your weight.

1. Oooh, do you really think you need another biscuit? "I don't need it. I WANT it."
2. Do you know how many calories that has? "Yes, and I'm looking forward to every one of them."
3. I'm having a fat day. "Me too, isn't it awesome?"
4. You have such a pretty face. "You should see my pretty ass!"
5. You're too fat! "For what?"
6. You look like you've lost weight. "I've actually gained 150 pounds, but I wear it really well."
7. You've gained weight since (whenever)? "Yes! Jealous?"
8. When are you going to lose some weight? "Why do you need to know?"
9. Response to someone talking about you behind your back: "I'm sorry, you might want to keep it down. I wouldn't want anyone else to hear what an asshole you are!"
10. And the all-purpose response for every rude question ever: "I beg your pardon?" (If they are dense and repeat the question, repeat yours. If they simply say it louder, ignore them for they will die clueless and unhappy and you will go on being awesome.)