Your mileage may vary.....

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer per year.

That means, on average, Americans get 41 miles per gallon.  Isn't that great!!

Dog & Cat diaries

This is for everyone that has pets.

Dog & Cat Diaries

    Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

    8:00am: Dog food! My favorite thing!

    9:30am: A car ride! My favorite thing!

    9:40am: Walked in the park! My favorite thing!

    10:30am: Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

    12:00pm: Lunch! My favorite thing!

    1:00pm: Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

    3:00pm: Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

    5:00pm: Milk bones! My favorite thing!

    7:00pm: Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

    8:00pm: Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!

    11:00pm: Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
-------------------------------------------------------------

    Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

    Day 683 of my captivity:

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had
    hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates
    what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about
    what a "good little hunter" I am.

    The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I
    was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
    could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was
    due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use
    it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors
    by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --
    but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog
    receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated   cell, so he is safe....... for now...

 

Fwd: Children!

 To those of us who have children in our lives,
 whether they are our own,  grandchildren,
 nieces, nephews, or students...
 here is something to make you chuckle.

 Whenever your children are out of control,
 you can take comfort from the thought that
 even God's omnipotence did not extend
 to His own children.

 After creating heaven and earth,
 God created Adam and Eve.

 And the first thing he said was
 "DON'T! "
 "Don't what ? "  Adam replied.

 "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

 "Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ?
 Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! "
" No Way! "
 "Yes way! "
 "Do NOT eat the fruit ! " said God.
 "Why ? "
 "Because I am your Father and I said so ! "  God replied,
 wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked !
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? " God asked.
 "Uh huh," Adam replied.
 "Then why did you ? " said the Father.
 "I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it ! " Adam said.
"Did not ! "
"Did too ! "
"DID NOT ! "
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
 

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY !
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give
children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life
 teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
 the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
 is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

 ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

 Be nice to your kids.
 They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!