COWS - Lesson In Political Science

Lesson In Political Science  

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STY LE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blon d, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English  Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders

A Pastor with Wisdom and Guts

THIS PASTOR HAS GUTS
This is a Prayer given in Kansas at the opening session of their Senate. It seems prayer still upsets some people. When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, But this is what they heard:

'Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness  and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. 

We have exploited the poor and called it the 'lottery'.
We have rewarded laziness and called it 'welfare'.
We have killed our unborn and called it 'choice'.
We have shot abortionists and called it 'justifiable'.
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it
'building self esteem'.
We have abused power and called it 'politics'.
We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it
'ambition'.
We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it 'freedom of expression'.
We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it 'enlightenment'.
Search us oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free.
 Amen!'

The response was immediate.
A number of legislators walked out during the prayer in
protest.
In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively. The church is now receiving international requests for copies of this prayer from India, Africa and Korea.

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program, 'The Rest of the Story,' and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired.  With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep over our nation and whole heartedly become our desire
so that we again can be called 'One Nation Under God.'
I f possible , please pass this prayer on to your friends. 'If you don't stand for something, you will fall for everything.'

You know it's hot when.....

You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

Airplanes can't land because the asphalt is too soft.

The swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy."

Your pool water starts to boil in the sun.

Pigs complain about sweating like fat humans.

A scalding hot shower still cools you down.

You've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man.

People walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames.

A $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants.

The politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.

You need a spatula to remove your clothing.

You wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather.

You are sweating in both directions -- up and down!

Lawyers kill themselves because they know it's cooler in Hell.

You burn your hand opening the car door.

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

You are sitting inside reading these jokes.

Your brother's braces make blisters on his lips.

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.