jokes to offend everyone

               JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE


               Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special
Olympics?
               A: Not being retarded
               ***********
               Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
               A: Hypothermia
               **************
               Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out
of the battered wives' shelter?
               A: The dishes, if she knows what's fucking good for her
               ***************
               Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time


               A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
               ***************
               Q: What is the definition of making love'?
               A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
               ****************
               Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in
common?
               A: They don't fucking listen.
               ***************
               Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
               A: Gonorrhea
               ****************
               Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
               A: So women would know what it's like to live with an
irritating cunt once in a while too.
               *****************
               Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
               A. She rolls her own tampons.
               *****************
               Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
               A. Better traction in the mud.
               *****************
               Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
               A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
               *****************
               Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael
Jackson?
               A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's
at least 13 years old.
               *****************
               Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
               A. Marry it.
               *****************
               Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a
hooker?
               A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
               *****************
               Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
               A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're
driving.
               *****************
               Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
               A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at
thirty miles an hour.
               *****************
               Q. Why do women call it PMS?
               A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
               *****************
               Q. What's a mixed feeling?
               A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff
in your new car.
               *****************
               Q. What's the height of conceit?
               A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
               *****************
               Q. What's the definition of macho?
               A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
               *****************
               Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor
party?
               A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
               *****************
               Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
               A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole
week.
               *****************
               Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
               A. You push it to the side before you start eating.
               *****************
               Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
               A. You know she'll swallow.
               *****************
               Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex
education on the same day in Iraq?
               A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
               *****************
               Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a
Jewish wife?
               A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
               ******************
               Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf
ball?
               A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
               ******************
               Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch
know when it is bedtime?
               A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
               ******************
               Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and
clean the house?
               A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not
time.
               ******************
               Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
               A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that
kick.
               ******************
               Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
               A. Because it's worth it
               __________________

thoughts for the day

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

May you always have Love to Share,
Health to Spare, and Friends that Care!

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone As ks You To Do
something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'In'.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6 In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write ' For Smuggling Diamonds'.

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophec y'.

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rocky Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of In sanity .

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

Its Called ... therapy.

MEN have 2 heads and WOMEN have 4 lips.

 

The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a dick and save a smile...

 

If u have sex 365 times a year and you melted down all the condoms 2 make a tire what would u call it? a fuckin goodyear!

 

Sex is like playing spades. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

 

Big Bad Wolf told lil red riding hood "lift ur top so I can suck your tits". No, she said while lifting her skirt, eat me like the fuckin book says!

 

A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. the cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The cat said, a wet pussy always makes a cock happy!

 

Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard. 

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello, and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.  Please select from the following menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we will trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.  Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by sending this to at least one unstable person to show you care.

 

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